The Parking Lot

Well, I guess this is the place to start: the parking lot.

I'm now one of those people who keep circling around before parking. I need to find the best spot to park. Sometimes when the lot is too full, I leave even when I REALLY want to be there.
I wasn't always like that.
Heck, I used to park far away and enjoy the walk in.

My life has changed a lot over the last year since I was diagnosed with sarcoidosis.

Most days I have pain in every joint from my jaw to my ankles. It feels like the pain you get when you burn yourself from a hot pan in the oven.

So a place like a parking lot is a scary place for me now. The entrance looks so far away.

Is there a handicap spot open?
I hate using my cane.
Is there a shopping cart nearby?
How many dirty looks am I going to get because I look too young and healthy to possibly need that spot? What if there is only one spot left and someone worse off than me needs it?
If there is a non-handicapped spot that is just as close and opened I will always use that space instead for that reason.
Sometimes the regular parking spots are even closer to the entrance than the handicapped spots.

I never noticed things like that before.

Heck, in the past I may have even looked at someone who parked in a handicapped spot with an unintentional odd look wondering if they borrowed grandma's car because they sure don't look sick. I know I at least thought that.
Of course now I see things differently.

Sometimes I walk into a place looking fine, maybe even with a little spark in my step on my good days. But on the way out I'm usually trying to hold the tears back from the pain as I struggle to make it to my car.

Shopping carts can be my best friends. 

I find one near my car whenever I can on my bad days so I don't get the stares if I have to use a cane- or the odd "what's wrong with you? Did you break a leg?" -usually from an elderly person also using a cane!
On my good days I always find a cart because when I make it out of the house I love wandering through the store and that cart can save me when the shooting pains start and its time to go.

My husband tells me to use the motorized scooters when they are available. I'm afraid to. I'd probably run into things like shopping displays and small children. Lol
But I think I'm really more afraid to NEED to use it. It almost feels like then I'm giving up, or not fighting my body back hard enough.
 
It took me months and months to even start using a cane. But I realize that using a cane on my bad days is better than walking/shuffling around looking like I may have a drinking problem, a severe case of hemorrhoids or a literal stick up my butt! Lol

A couple of weeks ago was the first time I used a wheelchair.

 I really wanted to go to a museum and I knew that was the only possible way, so agreed with my husband to use one they had available. In one way it was nice because I wasn't in pain and felt kinda special with my family pushing me. But of course it sucked because there were areas I couldn't go that had steps or was too full of people to get in.
After that I kinda want to buy/get a script from the Dr for a wheelchair so I can go places like an amusement park without worrying if they may have one. But, I just can't. Like I said earlier, it's like then I'm giving up the fight.

Well.. It took almost a week to post my first blog since I haven't been feeling the best and I was searching for the best way to start my blog. I was even thinking of not starting it, even though I need this blog to help get my feelings out.
I don't know if anyone will ever read this, or if this made much sense. I'm not going to proof read otherwise I'll never post it. So here I go.. I'm parking , um posting now :)