The closer you get, the more your nerves start flaring. You start getting a bit anxious as all of a sudden you remember all the freak accidents that have ever happened in the last 10 years. One part of you wants to run from the unknown, but at the same time you are so excited and ready to go.
This is me today as I'm waiting to start a new treatment this afternoon.
It took five months and a lot of work from my doctors to get approval from my insurance company to be able to try this Remicade IV treatment for my sarcoidosis.
I'm excited because from what I've been told- this could be the treatment to give me back my "normal" life (although after fighting this illness I wonder what my "normal" is supposed to be. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I guess that's "normal"!) that the other medications haven't been able to do and it may even help get me into remission.
Well, in that statement alone I bet you can understand where the nervousness and anxiousness comes in.
What if I have a bad reaction and can't take it?
What if the insurance company doesn't approve enough treatments before it has time to work?
(Currently I'm only approved for the first 2 doses that are 2 weeks apart)
It is time enough to get the approval for the next one? It has to be dosed right especially at the start.
Will I have any side effects?
If it does make me feel better.. How long will it last?
Can I finally get off this darned prednisone?
What if it DOESN'T work ?!
Then what? This seems to be my "last hope" med.
So much seems to be riding on this new treatment plan.
It could be a miracle drug for me. It could keep me stable where I'm at without further damage or disease spreading. Or nothing- and I need to get used to my new not-so "normal".
I'm usually the calm, cool, collected one with the glass half-full, and I still am right now (ok- trying right now) but .. there are too many "what-if" scenarios going through my head.
Just as my thoughts start going over board crazy in the worst-case scenarios..
My husband interrupts me in deep thought. ( I dunno maybe by that point I was talking out loud like a crazy woman? Lol) He is so caring. ( And brave! It takes a brave man deeply in love to interrupt a nervous, anxious, excitedly crazy wife deep in thought -or perhaps talking to herself out loud! )
As I was discussing my concerns with tears in my eyes, he grabs his phone and says "wait... I know what can help in this situation... Let me read this from my loving wife" (yeah, that's me he's referring to.)
And so he read a verse I sent to him earlier that morning as a devotional for the day.
I kinda smiled at how smart I was to send it to him (and I think somewhere in the conversation he called me his "wise, beautiful,loving wife" as I now recall)
yet the "take your own advice" I heard him kindly saying 'in between the lines' did make me roll my eyes as he read Luke12:24-26.
Then guilt set in as I realized at some point I may have gulped down that last half that was in my glass.
I know God will provide.
I know there is a reason and purpose for this happening. I can see some of the good that has come from this already.
I know God is with me. Just one example is how blessed me with such a loving husband to walk this path with.
I know I should not worry.
I know I should just take it one day at a time and do my best with that day I'm in.
But I know knowing all that still makes it hard to stop wondering and worrying ...you know what I mean?
Amy - I so hear your story. I have been on more IV antibiotics than I care to mention here. I understand the anxiousness of getting something started and the worry and the "what ifs". I always wanted to be normal again. I have decided that this is my new normal and that I might as well get used to it. Even if I were to get everything back, things have changed and normal would never really be the same any way.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was on my way to Dallas from California for my hysterectomy and scared to death that I had ovarian cancer my doctor wrote the following to me. "I am sure you know by now that courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the ability to do what is necessary and right despite fear. You are a courageous woman."
Just dealing with what you deal with makes you a "courageous woman". Take care of yourself and I wish you the best with your treatment.
Kathryn, I'm sorry it took a while to reply back but I wanted to let you know I read your comment over and over several times the past couple of weeks. I guess when you have an illness you sometimes feel disconnected to others, and it means alot to know that someone else also understands. thank you.
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