Freak Out

(This was written 12/3 and like many of my drafts- I never posted it but here it is)

Yes, there is a ride called "Freak Out". It's the type of ride that I wouldn't go on even if you paid me.
Right now this is my life.
Why am I freaking out?  That would be the question most of my friends and family would ask me, if you haven't already.  After all, I seem to be doing better after my treatment last week.
Yes, I can walk better this week and I am thankful for that! But...
*My pain has increased.
*I'm tired of putting on a smile that is fake most of the time.
*I just got the official notice in the mail that my job is being posted.
* I am questioning all the sacrifices I made over the last 10yrs to get a good career.
*I am an emotional wreak.

This has all been building. I actually "ran away" from home a couple days ago for a night.
I had been saying for a week that I just need to get away.
The four walls of the house have been closing in on me.
Every little stupid thing has been irritating me.
The morning I "ran away" was right after I called work about all the personal stuff I had at my desk that had been left the last day I unexpectedly left work and never returned.
After the conversation that someone would bring my stuff that was already packed up, I took a shower and cried and cried and cried.
When I got out of the shower...I just had the urge to go. I wanted to get away. I was in "Freak Out" mode.
The logical part of my brain was still working, because I managed to pack a bag, as well as gather up supplies to take one of my dogs.
Cujo is more of a companion dog. He always knows when I'm not feeling well, and he's always there to comfort me. I need him when I'm freaking out. So taking him was really a no-brainer.
I felt really bad leaving behind my other dog as she was trying to leave with me, but I just couldn't deal with her or anyone else at that moment.
Well, long story short- I ended up driving about 100 miles before ending up at my Grandma's house.

It was a nice drive. I wasn't emotionally driving. I didn't know where I was going, but I was enjoying the beautiful day with my dog listening to some music and making a couple short stops for a bathroom break and some food. 
I really wanted to go to a hotel by myself and just get out a good hard cry for a couple of days, but my husband liked my alternate idea of visiting my Grandma's place better.


I still need time away. The emotional part of me wants to run or just stay in bed and rot away.
The logical part wants to fight,  take care of the people around me, and not worry them.

 I started seeing a counselor that specializes in Chronic Pain.

First she helped me realize that I try too hard to ignore my pain.  She said it's good to try to keep my mind occupied with other things- but trying to "trick" my mind like it's not there isn't the way to deal with it.

I guess she didn't really make me "realize" I try so hard to ignore my pain. I already knew that was what I was doing.  Really what she did help me with was to make me understand that it's OK to be upset.. and angry... and frustrated that I'm in pain.
 I need to acknowledge it, let the the feelings happen for the moment and then try to find solutions to reduce the pain.

Then she opened my eyes when she handed me a chart on grieving.

I am grieving the death of my "old" self and the way life used to be.

I guess it all makes sense why I feel this way. I'm "freaked out" because I'm comprehending that this is a life time illness and that means my life is different and I have no control to change it.